What the Movies Have Taught Me

(First published in Bali Advertiser, June 7, 2006)

“I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” – John Wayne as John Bernard Books in his final movie, ‘The Shootist’, 1976

A man’s got to be strong, and when he falls, he’s got to get up again, with no crying and no complaints. He’s always got to do it when it’s got to be done, bleeding, crippled, or broken, no excuses. Even when he’s bad, he’s got to be good, and honest and loyal, even if a thief.

Goofy, bumbling, true-hearted suitors always win women’s hearts. Women may at first go for the flash, the money, and the ruggedly handsome cads. In the end, they come to their senses and see the value in the simple, the kind, and the good.

Women are only truly evil if they are German or Russian or speak with some foreign accent -- unless the accent is French or Spanish, then they are cute, innocently sexy, and good-hearted. Women of the future are cold, especially in space; but if not icily calculating, they are just as brave and strong and warrior-like as the men -- only they go all gushy sometimes, and it’s okay because, after all, they are women even when they captain a space cruiser.

Men in the future always triumph over evil robots and computers by doing the unexpected or the illogical – that is, the human. At least one machine always remains good and remembers that it was created to serve humanity, not destroy it. Good robots are the ones who try to understand what it means to cry or laugh. They try to tell jokes that are funny only in the failure to make anyone laugh. They learn to cry right before going off-line to save the world.

In war, the soldier who shows anyone a picture of a girl dies; officers are always cowardly and foolish; intelligence men are cynics working on their own agenda; politicians always sell out soldiers, country, and principles for riches and power.

When two men are really good friends, since childhood, for example, one will always save the life of the other after a misunderstanding drives them apart. And if one of them does betray the other or the cause, he will repent and come back to his true self, make amends heroically, and then die.

Indian couples never have sex or even kiss until after singing and dancing to a dozen songs, one of which must be danced and sung around a tree or in a field of knee-high grass. Bad Indian women are sexier and hotter than good Indian girls, but they always die after repenting their sinful ways for the love of a good man. Bad and good Indian men always have a humorous sidekick, and bad Indian men are rotten to the core. If offered babies for breakfast, they only stipulate whether they prefer them boiled or fried. Good Indian men are sometimes foolish, but they can never be faulted for their motives, which are always pure. They will come back from the dead many times to avenge an insult to themselves, their mothers, their sisters, and their fathers. Their guns never run out of bullets unless every gun runs out of bullets.

Chinese gangsters shoot their guns sideways and are essentially honorable men in a bad profession. Chinese cops can always teach their American counterparts a thing or two if they are ever on assignment in San Francisco or Los Angeles -- where they should be like a fish out of water. That’s funny to see. The converse holds true when American policemen go to Hong Kong, Shanghai or Beijing. Either way, cross-culture cops always end up with a grudging respect for one another and have new adventures in whichever one’s country they weren’t in the last time. Chinese gangsters’ lips sometime move funny when they talk English. They all know kung fu and eat weird, stinky foods. That’s funny, too. That’s the Chinese, funny and so cool.

All mad scientists are German. Russian men, like Russian women, are always evil. Scots and Irishmen can always be trusted. Englishmen are usually dastardly madmen, no matter how cultured and urbane they appear. Frenchmen are almost never evil, though everyone thinks they are, because, well, they are French. Italian soldiers make love, not war. French soldiers never fight unless they are Legionnaires. Then in every battle they lose every man but one.

Life is grand and glorious and is full of drama and sweeping musical scores, and I am so lucky to be alive in the age of movies, VCDs, DVDs, home entertainment centers, and cable TV.

Otherwise, I might have ended up with an unrealistic view of life.

Copyright © 2006 Lee Roy LeRoi